At first, I didn't want to write anything because I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through emotionally. And then, I didn't want to blog out of courtesy of a fellow blogger who is going through some tough stuff, that I too have battled with. Then, it had been forever since the last blogging that I didn't feel it mattered, but then I had a revelation! I need to share my fears and joys with the whole world (or at least those who read this little blog from time to time).
If you haven't guessed, we are expecting!
The first couple of months were very emotional. I was terrified that I would miscarry. I have had three miscarriages and the previous two pregnancies were immediately preceded by a miscarriage. As you can imagine, all sorts of terrible thoughts were going through my little brain. I am optimistic most of the time, but I really didn't want to hope too much. I trust in God, but hurt overshadows my faith sometimes. Christmas was a happy occasion clouded by fears and dark thoughts. The reactions of my birth parents to my pregnancy was not only hurtful, but nearly knocked my socks off. I was already struggling with my feelings towards my pregnancy and the last thing I needed was ridicule.
When you announce your first pregnancy, people are thrilled for you (usually). When you announce the second pregnancy, people congratulate you on creating the perfect little family. In my experience, it has gone downhill since then. The only people really happy for us are those who have large families or those who are really pro-life. The strange thing about this pregnancy is that I didn't even tell those people who I knew would be really happy for us. I was too afraid that I would have to go around and tell everyone that we had miscarried, so I didn't bother telling anyone other than my doctor, my midwives, a friend who is a Benedictine brother and a family friend who happens to have 13 living children and a few in heaven.
I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I had a revelation. It wasn't all that profound, but it came from an unexpected place, a place deep within my heart. It came after going to an Al-Anon meeting. It came after someone who I didn't even knew cared, showed me that she cared. I learned that my fears will never completely go away, but that I can acknowledge them and give them up to God.
I am finally feeling excited. It has taken a long time to get here. I started making things for the baby. I made a puerperium cardigan, a girly hat (hopeful thinking) and I am working on the baby's Christening Blanket.
I have so many plans on things to make including a quilt using this fabric.
I hope that you all will pray for us and our little one. I am almost half way through this pregnancy and would love to be able to have an uneventful rest of the pregnancy. It is time to relax and enjoy. Before I go, I want to share a little peek at my baby belly. I am smaller than I have ever been this far into my pregnancy.
Thanks for stopping by my friends.