I am knitting with full force, trying to finish all of the Christmas gifts for this year. I am a little late in starting, but I am still hopeful. The baby cuddles with daddy every evening for a few hours and these few precious hours are filled with knitting as quickly and accurately as possible. This is hard to do -- quick and accurate.
Berroco Ultra Alpaca in the colour Pea Soup. The project on the left is an Irish Hiking Scarf and the one on the right is the Lina hat, both projects are free from Ravelry. I intended on starting with the hat and then using up all of the remainder of the yarn on the scarf, but as life has it, I didn't have the right needles for it. I knit up nearly one skein for the scarf and bought needles for the hat on the weekend. This hat is taking me a long time. The cable rows take me about half an hour each time. This has me very concerned about getting all of the other projects done on time. I intend on knitting a few Milos and they are quick knits, but I also have two shawls on my list. Wish me luck.
After a few really rough days, I pulled the book, After the Baby's Birth... A Woman's Way to Wellness off of the bookshelf. I think that I may be suffering from postpartum depression. I have been struggling with everything lately. I broke down yesterday pretty badly after my bed got peed on. Yes, peed on. We have a duvet on the bed and it was soaked. It made the washing machine leak when I tried to wash it. Arggggh. I am finding it difficult to cope without family around for this baby. A lot of negative feelings from my childhood are surfacing and I don`t believe that I have ever recovered from the last few miscarriages. I keep forgetting to take my vitamins and stopped exercising when I got a terrible bout of mastitis. I don`t usually share my feelings with anyone other than my husband, so this is difficult for me.
I am a terrible self-critic. I have always claimed to hate myself. I never measure up to my expectations and fear that I will be the person my family always thought I would be. I was always told that I am just like my mother and that in my case is not a good thing. I will never know the exact details, but my brother and I were abandoned or surrendered when I was three and he was one. This piece of history haunts me still, thirty years later. How do I know that I won`t do the same thing? I haven't yet, but nine years ago this pushed me to my very limits, when my two oldest were three and one years old. I nearly jumped from a third story window. I recovered and thought that was behind me.
Yesterday, during my meltdown, I realized that these feelings have surfaced again. I nearly called up my mother. (we have contact) All I wanted to do was scream profanities at her. I held back, as any decent Catholic should do and broke down. Why didn't my mother love me enough to fight for me? Why did she give up on us? Why does she appear to love her dogs more than her children? She cares for other people more than she cares for us. Why am I such a failure in her eyes? How come? Why? Will I ever be like that? I was always told that I am like her, am I?
At the end of my pity party, I picked up the pieces and pulled myself together for the facilitator visit. I prayed the St. Michael prayer a number of times. I needed all the help I could get. I made it through the visit and finished making chicken soup. I somehow knew that I would need a warm bowl of soup after the visit and was very thankful for having started the stock before the visit.
Whether or not it is postpartum depression, I have vowed to not miss my vitamins, start exercising and taking better care of myself. I will try not to read other blogs and wish that I had their lives, families or more of anything. (I need to go to adoration and confession.) I am not such a bad person despite my rough start in life. I am talented in a few things (I am a pretty good knitter) and am a great mother. I know that I would never intentially harm any of my babies. I have some mourning to do and I need to move on. I have a wonderful husband and great kids and I need to stop writing so that I can get back to spending time making them some great Christmas gifts.
Sorry that this post got a tad lengthy. Now is the time to go to Ginny's blog and see what everyone else has been up to.
God Bless Friends,