Saturday, April 7, 2012

Crying Outside the Tomb

My Dearest Child,

I spent most of yesterday in tears. I am grieving your loss. My Lord is dead and so too are you. I wait outside the tomb in joyfull hope and anticipation for His resurrection. I also await yours. Your due date was on Easter, too. I know that you are not coming and that your Easter will be spent amoung the Angels and Saints with Our Lady and God Himself. Yet instead of Easter joy, I feel loss.

Here I am, once again expecting a child. I am happy, but I am sad. You will never run with the other children, play in the sandbox or get a wagon ride from your big brothers. I will never be able to kiss your little face, your fingers or tiny little toes. I will never hold you in my arms and show you the bees, the butterflies or how a flower grows. My heart aches for you my child.

As we colour Easter eggs today and make our final preparations for Easter, I know I will be thinking that you would likely have been here and joined us for your first Easter. But the reality is, you are in paradise and I am so happy for you. You will never feel pain, loss or be hurt by anyone. You can sit on Our Lady's lap and she will sing to you. You have all the pleasures that are unknown to me. You also have two other sibblings to play with. You are so lucky. Yet, I am not truly happy for you, I am jealous.

In the back of my mind, I wonder if I will ever see your face. Will Our Lord's infinite Mercy touch me and with His grace allow me to see you again someday. I ponder these thoughts and they consume me. Pray for me dear child, I miss you. My faith tells me that I should have hope. Easter shows me that I should not be sad, for the gates of Heaven are open. But in all honesty, my faith has been rattled. I know that God is good and that He does not wish that I suffer, but I do. I feel numb and know that prayer and the frequenting of the sacrements will help me heal. Pray for me so that I not only know these things, but can feel God's love as I go through the motions right now.

Forgive me child, for wishing you were here and not being truly happy for you and the others. Know that I love you and that I think about all of you almost everyday.  Know that your family here on earth is hoping to see you all someday. Kisses and Hugs,

Mama

3 comments:

  1. You'd love the book Heaven is for Real, I'll send you my copy if you want...I read it with my 9 year old. Beautiful letter.You gave me a heart attack til I read the part about being due Easter....happy you still have a baby in your womb!!

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  2. Sorry about the heart attack, Jamie Jo. I really didn't mean it. This is the second pregnancy that I have been expecting during a previous baby's due date. It just seems to get harder every time. To think that this is my eighth pregnancy, yet I have only four living children still shakes me up.I will see if I can my hands on your book suggestion. God Bless and thanks for your comforting words.

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  3. Oh, praying for you sweet Mama. I also have three in heaven, four on earth, and one on the way. Hugs! I've got you in my prayers tonight...

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Thank you for taking the time to comment. May God bless you.

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