I am not in any groups or involved in any community activities that require me to leave the house in the evening. I used to teach English at a night school in Germany. It ripped my heart out to leave the kiddos at home. I missed tucking them into bed and giving them kisses, reading to them, praying with them and just being there. My husband is fully capable of doing all of those things, but I hated missing out. I feel that it is my job to be home and close out the day with the family. The kids almost always slept terribly on those evenings. They woke up in the middle of the night and checked to see if I was there. It was exhausting.
When we moved here, I joined the church choir. Practises were on Thursday evenings. The same occurances took place. The children did not sleep well and I felt terribly guilty. Maybe I am not normal. I know plenty of moms who are uber-involved in the parish and community. Some are pro-life advocates, others are members of church groups, and others yet lead groups and talks. I am different. I have always known it. I am not better or worse, but rather trying to do what I belief God wants me to do. So it is for this reason, that I find myself torn on going out tomorrow evening.
I was sent an email from a blog reader that encouraged me to go to the presentation of Saint Gianna's relics. Actually, I must admit that I don't know that much about Saint Gianna. I remember once telling my husband that she chose the life of her own baby over hers. My husband got very angry and was horribly upset that I agreed with her actions. He still feels this way. Don't get me wrong, he is pro-life, but he can't believe a woman would leave behind a bunch of children in order to save one more. His feelings make me uncomfortable. He knows that I would do the same. He feels that her act was one of selfishness, not the opposite. He feels that the other children needed their mother more. It hurt to hear these things and I decided not to persue learning more about Saint Gianna. Talking about her with the family caused friction, friction that I wanted to avoid.
I am a coward. What a weak soul that I am. As much as I want to learn more, I am confronted with confusion, fear and aprehension. I love my husband, but I love God more. I still haven't decided whether I will go or not. The presentation is at 7:00pm, bedtime for my kiddos. Not to mention, the little guy still breastfeeds at that time. Do I take everyone with me, go alone, not go at all? What would you do? My six year old and the little guy are fidgety on the best of days. Will I even get anything out of it? Please pray that I find a peaceful solution.
If you live in Calgary, or surrounding area, you are more than welcome to come to the presentations held in our city.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011 at 7 pm
in St. Bonaventure Church
1600 Acadia Drive SE, Calgary
[near Canyon Meadows Drive]
Thursday, December 1, 2011 at 7 pm
in St. Luke’s Church
1566 Northmount Drive NW, Calgary
The presentation will be made by Mr. Robert White, President of St. Gianna Society Warminster, Pennsylvania. The society has a beautiful website and there is a list of places that Saint Gianna's relics will visit. I read some of the testimonials from people who touched her relics and they brought tears to my eyes.
I will leave you with her prayer.
Prayer of Saint Gianna Beretta Molla
Jesus, I promise You to submit myself to all that You permit to befall me, make me only know Your will. My most sweet Jesus, infinitely merciful God, most tender Father of souls,and in a particular way of the most weak, most miserable, most infirmwhich You carry with special tenderness between Your divine arms,I come to You to ask You, through the love and merits of Your Sacred Heart,the grace to comprehend and to do always Your holy will,the grace to confide in You,the grace to rest securely through time and eternity in Your loving divine arms.