Things were looking up when we found out we were expecting. Near the end of July we found out the wonderful news. We would have a playmate for our youngest this coming Easter. The baby was due on Easter Sunday. We were thrilled and already began dreaming of our future.
Only a short time later, I was diagnosed with shingles. Apparently, this was to have no effect on our unborn baby. All it meant was that I was a little run down and my immune system was working overtime. As uncomfortable as it was, I coped. To keep my mind off the itch and pain, I checked a few knitting books out of the library.
I began knitting a beautiful little jacket for my baby. It was yellow. Did I mention how excited we were? It lays unfinished on a table in the den. I will tell you why...
I stopped knitting when I began spotting a few weeks ago. I was terrified that I would lose another child to God. I had miscarried twice before and the loss was so immense that I could not bear to think about what yet another miscarriage would do to me. The same day I began spotting, we were booked in for an urgent ultrasound. That afternoon we witnessed a miracle. Our baby was alive and it had a strong heartbeat. Our baby was a little on the small side for its age, but it was alive. This news however did not motivate me to continue knitting. From that moment on, I held my breath.
This past Thursday, on the birthday of Our Lady, I had another ultrasound. In the days preceding this appointment, the spotting had turned to bleeding and I feared the worst. My worst fears were that my baby was dead or would die very soon. Thursay afternoon, we saw the image of my womb with a lifeless little baby in it. I was almost 10 weeks when I found out that at any time I would deliver a dead baby. The only image in my brain was of my dead baby. I referred to myself as a walking tomb. I was devastated as you can imagine. Another life lost. Another saint in heaven.
I cried and cried and then I cried some more. I knew that my baby was in heaven with two of its siblings, but that did not console me. I was angry, I was sad, I was frustrated and relieved, too. Now I knew what to expect. Now I could move on. Now I could breath again.
My husband went to work on Friday. It was one of the hardest things that he has ever had to do. Luckily, he only had to work a half day and he was home in time. He came home only minutes before I gave birth to our unborn child. He washed our baby and made sure that what we had seen was really the baby. The eyes, the tiny arms, the tiny legs, the face.... oh my goodness, it was overwhelming.
Please pray for our family as we make arrangements for our baby. We do not have the funds to bury our baby in a cemetary and are praying for a miracle. The flight back home in May put us into debt and we are struggling while my husband hasn't had the hours he needs to keep the bills paid on time. He has a new job, but the start date is still unknown until all the papers have been signed by the responsible members. We can't justify making more debt until we are sure that it can be paid off. Our only other option is to have the baby cremated. A cremation at that age will leave us with no remains and I can't bare to have my baby burned.
I question as to whether or not I should publish this post at all. I will because I believe that being Catholic means being pro-life. If I am pro-life, people should know that I have seven children, not four. Three of my children are in heaven. Pro-life means every human is a human no matter how small. Even the unborn babies deserve a proper burial. I would love to start an organization similar to Rachel's Vineyard for women who have suffered the loss of miscarriage, stillbirth or the birth of an infant. An organization that gives women and their families support emotionally, physically and financially. No woman should be alone. I wish there was one number to call where I could receive the guidance I need to find out the way miscarriage is handled with dignity. I wish that I didn't have to ask around and keep telling people what happened to find out a solution that we can afford and that is right according to the beliefs of the Catholic church. I wish there was number to call where a woman could call if she needed someone to help her birth her baby, to catch her baby and help her deal with the delicate situation with grace and give the woman courage. How do I start up such an organization? I know that I am not the only one who is in this situation. I know that most people don't know that they should try to collect their child's remains and have them buried. I have looked online for some answers, but this is not right. A family that has experienced this type of a loss shouldn't have to look and look and call and call to get answers. The Catholic church needs an organization, a number to call, a place where families get help and receive love. If we help mothers and their babies, then we can truly call ourselves pro-life. Mothers can heal, fathers, sisters and brothers, grandparents and everyone close to the family can heal, too.
Please pray that some day this organization that I dream of will exist and will aid families.
In the meantime, I will share a prayer that has been very helpful in my healing...
My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. -- Mother M. Angelica
Read more: http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/prayers/miscarriage.htm#ixzz1XrQkAws3