It has been a month since I miscarried. I am writing this post as a therapy for me. I cannot deny that this miscarriage has changed me. Life after the death of a child, no matter how young is traumatic. Most people it seems, think that because it really wasn't a baby yet or since the two week mourning period is over, I should move on. My baby was a baby no matter what people may claim. Who came up with the two week mourning period anyway?
My three year old son told me yesterday that he doesn't want me to get pregnant with a girl because girls die. He thinks I was expecting a girl and doesn't want another miscarriage to happen. I didn't really know how much he understood about me being pregnant or miscarriage (actually I still don't), but I do know that he acknowledged it. After we talked for a little, he said he would ask Jesus for another baby or two. He really wants to be a big brother.
My other two children have been affected by the loss, too. My eldest doesn't say much, but I know he wants to have more little siblings. My daughter had difficulty sleeping a number of times this month. She said she was afraid. I am not sure what has brought the anxiety on, but it never happened this often before the miscarriage. She also confided that she doesn't believe God will give us anymore children. She is afraid of another miscarriage, since I have already had two. I must admit that it very hard convincing her that we MUST trust God. I have my own doubts.
My dear sweet husband has not been unaffected by the miscarriage either. He hurts and wishes that I were still pregnant. We had made plans and dreams. It seems that after the miscarriage, we didn't have any goals. We put everything on hold. We were hoping to buy a van, but that is put on hold. Someone who didn't know of our loss commented that, "We don't need one if we don't have four children". Ouch! That hurt. I had planned next year's home school around the needs of a baby. Well, I changed my plans, all of them! I planned an acedemically challenging year for the two eldest and more activities for the youngest. The extra room in the basement was to be renovated. We wanted to finally finish it and had bought all of the materials. We were going make room for the baby in there. It is across from the school room, so it would be perfect for napping or playing. A couch would suffice for read alouds. After the miscarriage... it is still not worked on. It will be turned into a guest bedroom, I suppose. We haven't really committed to any plans for that room.
Life after loss of a loved one is so difficult. The first miscarriage didn't affect my husband or myself as this one has. We know that we need to pick up an move on, but numbness gets the better of us even now, a month later. This past Sunday marked four weeks since the miscarriage. I almost fell apart at Mass. I lost the baby on a Sunday and it seems that each passing Sunday I feel more and more emptiness. Father spoke of trusting God. He asked, "Do we really give Him our lives? Do we trust that He knows best for us?" I can answer yes to both questions. But does that mean that I can't still hurt? No. I trust that He knows what is best for us, but my own pride stands in the way of healing. I want to do something to prevent this from happening again. I know it is not up to me, but I can do what science has proven to help. I can clean up this temple of the Holy Spirit. I can exercise, eat right, take my vitamins and get enough sleep. That is what I can do. I can also pray and trust in Him. Everything else seems easy except the latter. I find it hard to pray. I feel numb. Is this normal? I am not mad or angry with God, but numb. I thank Him for my husband and beautiful children, but ask Him for nothing except healing. I dare not ask Him for another child, for fear He will take it away. I can pray for others, but ask nothing for myself but strength to carry on. I want this hurt to go away and to feel happiness. I will continue to pray and hope, for that is all I can do.